I am worse now than ever, I feel lonely all the time. Being at home, being at the FD, being at work, being anywhere I feel more alone now than ever. I try to talk to a therapist and it was helping but after a few weeks of going and talking, spilling, crying my eyes out it was helping. I felt better! However, she was not accepting my insurance for some odd reason. SO I stopped going because I couldn't afford 150 dollars a week to see her and help me. I've tried looking because I was getting pressure from people to go and talk and express what I felt but I don't feel like starting over with a new person to spill my guts. So I just suck it up and go through the motions of coming to work, going to FD meetings and trainings, going to bars and drink and cry in my car, at work and at your tree. I don't feel like I can reach out to anyone and tell them how I feel because they want to fix me, they don't want to sit there and hear my story, my pain, see my tears and my pleas of wanting to die. All they want is for me to feel better, so they don't feel uncomfortable with me crying and pleading of this pain to end.
I don't hear from my sons at all, I reach out to them to have conversations to see how they are. To help me feel needed, to make me feel useful, to make me feel like I belong and they need a father. I don't feel like a father anymore, I feel like a sack of useless crap that just needs to be 6 feet deep and no one would bat an eye because they don't look for me now.
They "SAY" that they love me but I don't see it at all. They could make me feel better with one simple call or text every once in a while but I don't even get that. How is that supposed to make me feel? Was I really a good father to them? Did I really give them what they needed? Did I push them away? I thought I gave them or show them enough love? I guess I deserve all of this! I am a horrible person, father, husband and person.
GOODBYE ME!
