Failure

These days I sit here and think of what has become of my life after losing you, to your long term battle that I was so blind too. I was so in denial of when you told me, I was so ignorant, I made the mistake to dismiss your sickness, I made the mistake not to listen sooner. I KNOW I failed you, people tell me that I didn't fail you, I did!! If I didn't, you would still be here, I didn't inform myself, I didn't take you serious, I didn't ask questions and I didn't listen sooner. This is all MY fault, and I can never feel otherwise since I can never see you again in this life time. I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out. Now, I lose my job and I feel even worse, I am trying and trying daily to find something and nothing is going my way. I could not keep you here on this planet with us, now I cannot keep a job and cannot find another. You would be so dissapointed in me, I have taken so many tests and failed, applied to so many places and have been turned down. I feel stupid, what is my purpose now? I can't make money to continue my plan. I need to do something, but I keep failing, I study to improve my knowledge and not even with that can I pass these damn tests. What a m I supposed to do now?