Loneliness

 I am worse now than ever, I feel lonely all the time. Being at home, being at the FD, being at work, being anywhere I feel more alone now than ever. I try to talk to a therapist and it was helping but after a few weeks of going and talking, spilling, crying my eyes out it was helping. I felt better! However, she was not accepting my insurance for some odd reason. SO I stopped going because I couldn't afford 150 dollars a week to see her and help me. I've tried looking because I was getting pressure from people to go and talk and express what I felt but I don't feel like starting over with a new person to spill my guts. So I just suck it up and go through the motions of coming to work, going to FD meetings and trainings, going to bars and drink and cry in my car, at work and at your tree. I don't feel like I can reach out to anyone and tell them how I feel because they want to fix me, they don't want to sit there and hear my story, my pain, see my tears and my pleas of wanting to die. All they want is for me to feel better, so they don't feel uncomfortable with me crying and pleading of this pain to end. 

I don't hear from my sons at all, I reach out to them to have conversations to see how they are. To help me feel needed, to make me feel useful, to make me feel like I belong and they need a father. I don't feel like a father anymore, I feel like a sack of useless crap that just needs to be 6 feet deep and no one would bat an eye because they don't look for me now. 

They "SAY" that they love me but I don't see it at all. They could make me feel better with one simple call or text every once in a while but I don't even get that. How is that supposed to make me feel? Was I really a good father to them? Did I really give them what they needed? Did I push them away? I thought I gave them or show them enough love? I guess I deserve all of this! I am a horrible person, father, husband and person.

GOODBYE ME!

So today started as an okay day, getting started with my day to get things done. My mind started thinking about you, more and more I guess because I was thinking I had group meeting and I was subconsciously preparing to cry and just got emotional. Come to find out, it isn't today, I guess I'm not thinking clearly. I felt like crying, so I let loose. I always let loose when I am alone in my truck. I miss you so much, I can't seem to stop feeling like this. No one understands! Everyone thinks it's been a year and I should be like normal and get over it but I can't. I won't! I miss you too much, I don't like that you are gone and I can't do anything about it. Everyone thinks that I loved you more than your brothers, I love them just as much but what I miss about you babygirl is that I will not have anymore firsts, anymore memories, anymore future with you. It should have been me, I deserve to do die 10 times more than you do. You were just starting out your life and you were gonna have so much of a bright future, because I knew how much passion you had for others, animals and helping all. I have been off of FB for the fear of seeing everyone happy with their lives and I'm here broken without you. I have just gotten on and see all the reminders of everyone posting when everyone's posting about your passing. It hurts so much to see this and not have your here in my arms or sharing stupid jokes or watching silly movies like we used to and eating the Mexican popcorn that we loved. Everyday here is so miserable, I live like a zombie trying to get by on my days, trying to study my information for my new job but it is so difficult to stay focused and not think of you. I miss you every second of everyday and I feel so alone in my head sometimes that no one understands. I had someone that did understand me for a bit but it changed quickly. Please come see me when you have a chance, I hope you like your butterfly release that we had for you babygirl. It was so difficult that day, truthfully that whole week. Miss you mucho mucho! I love you more, no I love you more!!

Failure

These days I sit here and think of what has become of my life after losing you, to your long term battle that I was so blind too. I was so in denial of when you told me, I was so ignorant, I made the mistake to dismiss your sickness, I made the mistake not to listen sooner. I KNOW I failed you, people tell me that I didn't fail you, I did!! If I didn't, you would still be here, I didn't inform myself, I didn't take you serious, I didn't ask questions and I didn't listen sooner. This is all MY fault, and I can never feel otherwise since I can never see you again in this life time. I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out. Now, I lose my job and I feel even worse, I am trying and trying daily to find something and nothing is going my way. I could not keep you here on this planet with us, now I cannot keep a job and cannot find another. You would be so dissapointed in me, I have taken so many tests and failed, applied to so many places and have been turned down. I feel stupid, what is my purpose now? I can't make money to continue my plan. I need to do something, but I keep failing, I study to improve my knowledge and not even with that can I pass these damn tests. What a m I supposed to do now?

Contemplating

As I sit here I think about my life, where did I go wrong? Was it my fault? Did I not give her enough love? Was I such a bad person that I deserved this? Is this karma for my past? Why not just take me? Why not make me suffer and have her be happy? I deserve to die, I deserve to suffer, I deserve the pain. She DIDN'T! SHE WAS PERFECT! My little angel was not at responsible for my mistakes, she deserves to live and enjoy life. Take me! Take my life! I am the fucked up one! I made the mistakes! I made people suffer! I hurt people! I deserve to die!

To my sweet sister Charisma by Nicholas Sykes

Charisma, this from your brother since he has been feeling down and wanted to let you know how he feels and he loves you so much.

" Dear Charisma, I love you and miss you, I will always love you even after I die I will never stop loving you. I remember all the stuff you had done for me like when my first all start game or like whenever everyone was asleep I couldn't fall asleep so I started crying hoping someone would come find me and you were the only one still awake and heard me crying you opened your door you saw me crying in bed so you helped me by reading to me until I fell asleep. That is why I chose to write about my sister, she was the best."

Leave my mark

As I sit here in my chair I think about what I have done with my life. I have had 3 beautiful wonderful kids whom I love more than anything on this planet and would kill or die for any of them. Now that I couldn't save you my little girl, I failed to protect you, help you, save you and keep you alive.

Before I leave this planet either by my choice or other I want to do something for all of my kids, make a difference to help people in any way I can. I will also try to leave some kind of foundation that will be able to help people suffering for this fucked up disease that is taking so many lives and consuming so many dreams. I hate this feeling, is this how you felt on a daily basis baby girl? I am so sorry, I wish I would have had all the power in the world and remove that from you, to end your suffering without completely losing you.

I am so broken and feel so alone in my head that I feel I am not going to make it. That's why I want to leave your brothers some money to live without me and not struggle in life, at least financially. I cry all the time and when I'm not crying, I feel like crying. I am so depressed and unmotivated to do anything, not even workout like I used to.

Restore my broken heart

People often ask, how am I doing? What can they do or what can they say to make me feel better? To us, the ones that have lost a child that question can be tiresome at times since EVERYONE asks it. Well what I often say is that "I am Okay", truthfully my heart is broken! She took a huge part of my heart with her. I don't tell many people that part though for the fear of getting people's sympathy or their" I am so sorry for bringing it up".

As I am always reading NOW that is, I never used to read but I don't know how to live, or what to do with what I feel I have been reading. I read that our feelings are ever-changing. Some days are filled with grief, shock, trauma, pain and millions of unanswered questions, while other days the loneliness, betrayal, isolation, anger and despair are too much for a survivor to process. And, in the midst of all this pain, to feel alone and believe that nobody understands us is sometimes just too much as we contemplate our own suicide. Truthfully, I know that I think about taking my own life at times when it is a bad day and being so new or young to this, I am having a hard time with processing or dealing with my feelings. I know that I CANNOT take my life because I know what that feels like when a loved one does and I wouldn't want to do that to my loved ones. As a parent, I know that I would have ripped my heart out to give it to her just so she would live on, I would have given her anything.

Unfortunately, nothing on this planet can restore my broken heart!💔💔💔💔

I am not going to give up, I am going to try and be strong and live on, what I say here is what I feel, what I think. I am NOT going to take my life, although at times it does seem that I may hint that? I won't! I would welcome death at any time though!