So today started as an okay day, getting started with my day to get things done. My mind started thinking about you, more and more I guess because I was thinking I had group meeting and I was subconsciously preparing to cry and just got emotional. Come to find out, it isn't today, I guess I'm not thinking clearly. I felt like crying, so I let loose. I always let loose when I am alone in my truck. I miss you so much, I can't seem to stop feeling like this. No one understands! Everyone thinks it's been a year and I should be like normal and get over it but I can't. I won't! I miss you too much, I don't like that you are gone and I can't do anything about it. Everyone thinks that I loved you more than your brothers, I love them just as much but what I miss about you babygirl is that I will not have anymore firsts, anymore memories, anymore future with you. It should have been me, I deserve to do die 10 times more than you do. You were just starting out your life and you were gonna have so much of a bright future, because I knew how much passion you had for others, animals and helping all. I have been off of FB for the fear of seeing everyone happy with their lives and I'm here broken without you. I have just gotten on and see all the reminders of everyone posting when everyone's posting about your passing. It hurts so much to see this and not have your here in my arms or sharing stupid jokes or watching silly movies like we used to and eating the Mexican popcorn that we loved. Everyday here is so miserable, I live like a zombie trying to get by on my days, trying to study my information for my new job but it is so difficult to stay focused and not think of you. I miss you every second of everyday and I feel so alone in my head sometimes that no one understands. I had someone that did understand me for a bit but it changed quickly. Please come see me when you have a chance, I hope you like your butterfly release that we had for you babygirl. It was so difficult that day, truthfully that whole week. Miss you mucho mucho! I love you more, no I love you more!!

Failure

These days I sit here and think of what has become of my life after losing you, to your long term battle that I was so blind too. I was so in denial of when you told me, I was so ignorant, I made the mistake to dismiss your sickness, I made the mistake not to listen sooner. I KNOW I failed you, people tell me that I didn't fail you, I did!! If I didn't, you would still be here, I didn't inform myself, I didn't take you serious, I didn't ask questions and I didn't listen sooner. This is all MY fault, and I can never feel otherwise since I can never see you again in this life time. I want to just crawl in a hole and never come out. Now, I lose my job and I feel even worse, I am trying and trying daily to find something and nothing is going my way. I could not keep you here on this planet with us, now I cannot keep a job and cannot find another. You would be so dissapointed in me, I have taken so many tests and failed, applied to so many places and have been turned down. I feel stupid, what is my purpose now? I can't make money to continue my plan. I need to do something, but I keep failing, I study to improve my knowledge and not even with that can I pass these damn tests. What a m I supposed to do now?

Contemplating

As I sit here I think about my life, where did I go wrong? Was it my fault? Did I not give her enough love? Was I such a bad person that I deserved this? Is this karma for my past? Why not just take me? Why not make me suffer and have her be happy? I deserve to die, I deserve to suffer, I deserve the pain. She DIDN'T! SHE WAS PERFECT! My little angel was not at responsible for my mistakes, she deserves to live and enjoy life. Take me! Take my life! I am the fucked up one! I made the mistakes! I made people suffer! I hurt people! I deserve to die!

To my sweet sister Charisma by Nicholas Sykes

Charisma, this from your brother since he has been feeling down and wanted to let you know how he feels and he loves you so much.

" Dear Charisma, I love you and miss you, I will always love you even after I die I will never stop loving you. I remember all the stuff you had done for me like when my first all start game or like whenever everyone was asleep I couldn't fall asleep so I started crying hoping someone would come find me and you were the only one still awake and heard me crying you opened your door you saw me crying in bed so you helped me by reading to me until I fell asleep. That is why I chose to write about my sister, she was the best."

Leave my mark

As I sit here in my chair I think about what I have done with my life. I have had 3 beautiful wonderful kids whom I love more than anything on this planet and would kill or die for any of them. Now that I couldn't save you my little girl, I failed to protect you, help you, save you and keep you alive.

Before I leave this planet either by my choice or other I want to do something for all of my kids, make a difference to help people in any way I can. I will also try to leave some kind of foundation that will be able to help people suffering for this fucked up disease that is taking so many lives and consuming so many dreams. I hate this feeling, is this how you felt on a daily basis baby girl? I am so sorry, I wish I would have had all the power in the world and remove that from you, to end your suffering without completely losing you.

I am so broken and feel so alone in my head that I feel I am not going to make it. That's why I want to leave your brothers some money to live without me and not struggle in life, at least financially. I cry all the time and when I'm not crying, I feel like crying. I am so depressed and unmotivated to do anything, not even workout like I used to.

Restore my broken heart

People often ask, how am I doing? What can they do or what can they say to make me feel better? To us, the ones that have lost a child that question can be tiresome at times since EVERYONE asks it. Well what I often say is that "I am Okay", truthfully my heart is broken! She took a huge part of my heart with her. I don't tell many people that part though for the fear of getting people's sympathy or their" I am so sorry for bringing it up".

As I am always reading NOW that is, I never used to read but I don't know how to live, or what to do with what I feel I have been reading. I read that our feelings are ever-changing. Some days are filled with grief, shock, trauma, pain and millions of unanswered questions, while other days the loneliness, betrayal, isolation, anger and despair are too much for a survivor to process. And, in the midst of all this pain, to feel alone and believe that nobody understands us is sometimes just too much as we contemplate our own suicide. Truthfully, I know that I think about taking my own life at times when it is a bad day and being so new or young to this, I am having a hard time with processing or dealing with my feelings. I know that I CANNOT take my life because I know what that feels like when a loved one does and I wouldn't want to do that to my loved ones. As a parent, I know that I would have ripped my heart out to give it to her just so she would live on, I would have given her anything.

Unfortunately, nothing on this planet can restore my broken heart!💔💔💔💔

I am not going to give up, I am going to try and be strong and live on, what I say here is what I feel, what I think. I am NOT going to take my life, although at times it does seem that I may hint that? I won't! I would welcome death at any time though!

I got a glimpse of YOU

I am not sure where I was but it seemed like a cafeteria with red and burnt orange brick, like at the Beaumont Civic Center where we would have our assemblies. I saw across the street your Tio Moy and Tio Josh going to a store where they saw News Crew cameras, they wanted to go talk to them about suicide and how it affects everyone.

Then I saw Gabby in the cafeteria where she was crying but I couldn't understand why? I lowered my vision to my right a bit and I saw you with a purplish T-shirt and your black glasses, I was so excited. You were alive and well and I was not living a nightmare, so I called for you several times but you couldn't hear me. You kept walking away and kept screaming your name but you wouldn't turn around, then I woke up. My alarm had woken me up cause it was time to go to the gym. I got dressed and I went to your room as I do everyday, paused at the door for a second hoping to see you in your bed passed out. I opened and I started crying, cause all I saw was an empty bed with your stuffed animals and your phone and portrait. I knew I was living the nightmare!!

I walked out crying and went to your restroom and left you a note like I do everyday, wishing you a good day and to call me if you need me.

I am so torn baby, broken, lost, damaged, fragile, sensitive, emotional and tired.

Love you mamasita!!!!!

No more tomorrows

I found this on one of my groups on Facebook that I follow, in which this lady wrote it for her son. I read it and it describe my feeling perfectly. I changed it just so it would fit Charisma, I wish I knew who wrote it so I could give her credit.

There are no tomorrows to be had, no new memories to be made. I wish away the future while the past begins to fade. I long to hear your voice again and your laugh so full of glee. To see your eyes sparkle with the love you had for me. They say it will get softer, they say time will heal. But how could that ever be when you should be here with me still? My love for you is endless and I miss you all the time. But yesterdays are all we have, to live with you is such a crime, my birthday came and went, the world so full of cheer. But here I sit in silence just wishing you were here.

I dedicate this to you CHARISMA JADE GARZA, #FOREVER15

Left Alone

In the very beginning everyone was very sorry, very understanding, very sympathetic, very empathetic, now everyone can give two shits about how my life is destroyed. I will never be the same man even if I wanted too or tried, I can't move forward without you baby girl. I was supposed to see you grow old, experience all the things from graduating high school to falling in and out of love to getting married and having kids and living your career and travel the world but I am here alone with my thoughts and cry, alone in my head because no one understands what I feel. I can only dream of what you would be doing, it is so heartbreaking when someone talks about their child or children with such pride and love, all I can do is stay in my head and put on a fake smile for them because inside I'm dying because I can't do that with you, I can't have all of those new memories we should be having. Instead I'm here heartbroken, crying everyday with no end in sight of when this living nightmare will end. I'm in 2 groups and see a therapist, I hear everyone's thoughts, feelings and stories and we can all relate that we are ALONE in this journey, no one that has not lost a child can ever understand. You were my little personality twin, you did things I did, you liked things I did, you laughed at the jokes I told and above all you loved being with me now I'm left alone with my memories and thoughts.

Another bad day

Yesterday April.18, 2019 was not a good day for me, I couldn't manage to stay out of my head long enough to be very productive and to top it off, I started hyperventilating bad while staring at your pictures and remembering how sweet you were, loving, caring, giving, happy and above all you cared about your family. I couldn't stop crying, I would be listening to OUR songs and all of those moments you and I would sing them would just flood my mind. Your little smirk/smile would come racing into my head and you saying, Pa stop making me laugh, I'm being serious. I would start balling like a sissy, crying and crying uncontrollably, I had to close my door to my office. Not sure how long I will be able to keep this mask on, I show everyone that I am okay but truthfully I am very far from it. I want to talk to you, to see you to hold you and never let you go. Thinking about you all day knowing you are not here is killing me slowly, bit by bit. I want to be strong, I do but I don't think I am strong enough to survive this. I love you baby girl!!!

Wrong?

Where did I go wrong? Did I do or cause this? Could I have prevented this? Why my baby girl? She absolutely didn't deserve this! What if I would have listened more? What if I hadn't left to go to work out of state? What if I made this happened because I didn't understand what this sickness is? I am so wrong for everyone, all I do is hurt people. I don't do it on purpose, I let everyone down, was that it? Did I let you down baby girl? I told you when you were born that I was going to be the best daddy in the world and was going to protect you from everything and I didn't! I would have given my life for you, I still would if it brought you back without this stupid fucking disease. I would gladly trade my life for you and your brothers, no questions asked. I am so wrong on this planet. I don't know how to function, no one understands that I am not choosing to feel this way, the amount of LOVE I HAVE for you is the amount of GRIEF I feel for your absence. All I ever wanted when I was growing up was a family of my own and take care of my kids and be the best daddy that I could possibly be, maybe I messed up and am not the best dad or father. I thought I knew what I was doing, I failed miserably. I'm sorry it costed you your life baby girl.

Missing you

It seems as the days just drag on, some more than others and then there are days where it zooms by. There is not one day that I do NOT think of you. I don't know if I am strong enough to be here without you baby girl. I know that I have to be here for your brothers, but when you left you took a huge piece of my heart with you. I am missing you like crazy, EVERYDAY, endlessly! I want you back so bad.

So when we went to the Witches Museum in Salem, they were talking about the witches that made a deal with the Devil to give them supernatural powers. I immediately thought that I could do that or I should do that just to get you back. I would do ANYTHING to get you back, my beautiful freckle faced girl. I knew that my life changed when I saw you and immediately loved you, why would I not think that you leaving would not change me as well.

I started drinking heavily immediately after you left and was going down the wrong way and fast, a very dark place. I think I am messing your brothers up more than helping them, I am falling apart missing you everyday. This sux, I feel I am not strong enough to continue. I am trying to focus on working out and eating better for my health but more importantly for your brothers. I know I am not a great father or a good one at that but I know that I would be here for them whenever they need me and I need to be alive and well to do that.

Why YOU?

You didn't deserve this, I did and still do!!! Why you baby girl? You had some amazing ways, to help people feel better when they were down. Even strangers, you loved to help people, animals, everyone!! Why did you have to have this stupid disease? You were such a bright beautiful young lady. Why didn't that disease come to me? It should have taken me, killed me!! I hate this feeling I have everyday that I won't get to see you anymore and it kills me little by little that I have to live this fucking nightmare! I am so broken and I don't know how to continue to live, I am just here thinking all the time about you, what you should be doing, what we could be doing, how I can see your beautiful freckles, smile, your beautiful eyes you amazing radiance of the kindest little girl that has ever lived on this planet. I used to say that I was afraid of dying, now I say that I am afraid of living, living without you baby girl.!!!!

Goodbyes

So.....

For now it is NOT a goodbye baby girl, it is I will see soon, not that soon though. I have to say that before someone misunderstands or misinterprets it.

Goodbyes hurt more when your story here wasn't finished. There's a special place in for you in my heart if you want to come back to me! ❤❤💕💔💔

I refuse to totally just give up hope that you are not here with me, am I in denial? YES!! Most definitely, I still can't say goodbye to you, you are MY little girl, if any father would read this HE would understand what I mean and I feel. Goodbye is not going to come out of my mouth, not now nor anytime soon or later. I refuse to say goodbye to you. The thought of not seeing you daily is killing me, or hearing your voice call for me, or singing with me when I go home or I am in my truck is killing me, you not here asking me for boy advice is killing me, so when I say I am dying? I mean that exactly, I am slowing dying from the inside out. I told  you that I would not know what I would do without you before, and it is exactly happening how I said it. I am lost, I am broken, I am lonely, I am exhausted, I am mad (mad at myself), I am so dead and numb on the inside.

My mind is having such a hard time wrapping itself around the fact that you are gone. When my mind goes to that day it reminds me that I may have contributed to your death because I was not there for you when you needed me the most.

Seeing you when you were born, changed my life! Raising you, Loving you changed my life! It should come as no surprise that losing you has done the same!! 😭😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

I will see you later baby girl!!

I loved you your whole life, I'll miss you for the rest of mine!

-Pa

Finally you come to me

One day somewhere not sure where in the world I was but I was tagging along with an elderly woman and Nick doing some archaeology digs. All of a sudden we were taken hostage by some local rebels that were flashing and pointing their guns at us. As they took us hostage, they took us through some village market place like you see in the movies where there are people selling clothes, food and other trinkets. I took some clothes and had your brother change so he be comfortable and blend in with the locals. When I heard the elderly woman call for me, I went to her and she told me she couldn't go on, that it was very hot and she was to tired. I brushed her face and told her not to give up and I would carry her on my back to get her through this and escape to continue to our dig. We all were able to escape them since they were distracted with showing off their power, weapons and hunger for food. We were in a room, when all of a sudden Suli came to me and gave me a hug and I said hey sweetie what are you doing here and gave her a kiss on the forehead. Then I looked over to the right of her, YOU were there, with your BEAUTIFUL smile, I broke down and cried and hugged you so tight and kissed you and told you I was NEVER letting you go. I cried and cried till I awoke from my dream, actually crying in bed, with tears of joy that you finally came to me and tears of pain knowing I have to continue living my nightmare. 😭😭😭😭😭

One of many bad days to come

You know as I walk through the halls of my work building, people ask, hey how are you? My automatic response is, "I'm okay" or "I'm fine" looking at them straight in their eyes knowing damn well I am really dying inside. I don't know how to live on, or enjoy life after losing you, I don't know if I am strong enough to continue surviving because that is all I'm doing, surviving. I know that I have to be here for my family, they need me and cannot survive another loss of life. If there was no one else in my family, I would gladly join you baby girl without hesitation. I miss you so much every single second of everyday, I see you in pictures on my phone, my computer and my walls at home. It is not getting easier, I get notifications on my phone for text messages, messenger on FB & IG and rush to see if it is you but it's not 😭😭😭😩😨. My nightmare continues. This hurts really really bad.